The past is prolog – and flashback
- Feb 1, 2010
- by paul hawley
- The Publishing Process
- One Comment »
Once on the bus, she lets her mind meander back over what she had done today. Of course there was the scene at the hotel. But what had that accomplished? She had to admit her action was merely symbolic. … What would these people remember? That some rude person tried to ruin their evening? That they’d seen an “environmental extremist” face to face? Would they merely have an exciting anecdote to tell their friends? How could she make these people feel what she feels? [The verb “had to admit” is the red flag: with it the writer slips completely out of present-tense narration.]
And now the way it should read:Once on the bus, she lets her mind meander back over what she’s gotten done today. Of course there was the scene at the hotel. But what did that accomplish? She has to admit her action was merely symbolic. … What will these people remember? That some rude person tried to ruin their evening? That they saw an “environmental extremist” face to face? Will they merely have an exciting anecdote to tell their friends? How can she make these people feel what she feels?
The only way I know, as a writer or an editor, is to put myself in that bus, after being escorted out of the hotel, and relate my character’s thoughts to the person in the next seat. The verbs, naturally in first person, will come out right: “What have I gotten done today? … What did that accomplish? I wonder whether the action was a success even symbolically. What will those people remember?” etc. If you then need to shift it back into third person, that’s easy; leaving the verb tenses alone is the key. You might think about drafting a note to editors about this and including it with submissions, as both a preventive measure and a teaching tool. For a brief but helpful technical treatment of this issue, I recommend Gary Lutz & Diane Stevenson, The Writer’s Digest Grammar Desk Reference (Writer’s Digest Books, 2005), pages 109-111.

One Comment
4:36 pm
Paul Hawley
I apologize for the lapse into jargon: By the “POV character” I mean the point-of-view character, the central or main character at any given point. In fiction written in the first person — “I did this, I saw that,” etc. — that’s the speaker, the “I.” In most other fiction, the reader is in a sense riding along on one character’s shoulder at a time, sharing that one’s sensations and thoughts. That’s the character I’m referring to with my jargon.
Also, comparing the “had” verbs (past-perfect) in the first example passage to the “has/have” verbs (present-perfect) in the second example should go far to clarify the difference between past-perfect and present-perfect, if I have confused you with this treatment.
(Thanks to Walter Mosley for the image of riding on the character’s shoulder, found in his excellent 2009 book from Little, Brown & Co., This Year You Write Your Novel [http://is.gd/7vwZR].)